Stop dating wrong guys
the dude with no ambition…know, the guy you think is so cool…until your friends and family meet him and say “you could do so much better than him!But of course you can’t let yourself believe them – plus, you see so much more in him than anyone else does!She interviewed hundreds of men to get their honest opinion on how they felt about things like: attraction, flirting, calling, who should ask who out, intimacy, communication, breakups, dating after divorce, and more. Maria isn’t alone in feeling a like failure when it comes to relationships.Paige admits to being desperate for some man to fill it up with love and reassurance - she had no self-esteem and rather than working on getting some, she made it her boyfriend's responsibility to make her feel better about herself. When you seek love from a place within of neediness and insecurity, you’re setting yourself up for complete and total failure each and every time.What was it that made her abandon her own life to meld it with another person, this neediness? Men who had a lot of emotional baggage and dumping it in her lap? So you put yourself “out there” in the dating scene hitting the bars and clubs,asking friends to set you up with acquaintances and coworkers, searching through hundreds of men’s dating profiles online…all in the hopes that you’ll find the perfect man. Whether this seems shockingly simple to you, or completely overwhelming, you don’t need to worry about a thing.If the person did not have a voice that was heard, understood and valued in their family of origin, if they were required to earn love, if boundaries were wishy washy, if abuse or addiction was part of the modeling, then chances are this person will do all of the heavy emotional lifting, often overcompensating with people who are also wounded and are unwilling or unable to attach and love in a healthy way.” For example, if you developed codependent patterns in childhood, you probably learned care-taking and controlling behaviors in order to survive, and may gravitate towards a partner with addictions or mental health problems or physical impairments who you can take care of and try to “fix.” Changing your relationship habits requires work.
In these cases, the individual has mistaken intensity for intimacy – meaning the chaos or lack of healthy attachment is their ‘normal.’ In a nutshell, their brain associates pain, hurt and betrayal with love.
Rather than obsessing over whether this guy liked her, she chose to focus on believing in how special, fun, and interesting she was and waited for him to prove that he was worthy of spending my precious time with her!
When he’d call to ask her on a date, she would check her busy calendar to find time.
She was tired of dating and tired of having her heart broken.
A smart, successful, 35 year-old, Maria came to see me for therapy after her third break-up in as many years.